Ladies and gentlemen,
the driving force behind Catholicism WOW!,
Cardinal Glick.
Thank you
Now we all know how the majority
and the media in this country
view the Catholic church.
They think of us as a passe, archaic institution.
People find the Bible obtuse
even hokey.
Now, in an effort to disprove all that
the Church has appointed this year as a time of renewal
both of faith and of style.
For example, the crucifix.
While it has been a time-honored symbol of our faith
Holy Mother Church has decided to retire
this highly recognizable
yet wholly depressing image
of our Lord, crucified.
Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies.
He came to help us out.
He was a booster,
and it's with that take on our Lord in mind
that we've come up with a new, more inspiring Sigil.
So, it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first
of many revamps the Catholicism Wow! campaign
will unveil over the next year, I give you
The Buddy Christ.
That's not the sanctioned term we're using for the symbol.
Just something we've been kicking around the office.
But look at it.
Doesn't it pop?
Buddy Christ.
Well, there you have it.
Let me get this straight.
You don't believe in God
because of Alice in Wonderland?
No, Through the Looking Glass.
That poem, The Walrus and the Carpenter
that's an indictment of organized religion.
The Walrus, with his girth and his good nature
he obviously represents either Buddha
or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha.
That takes care of your Eastern religions.
Now, the Carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ
who was raised a carpenter's son,
he represents the Western religions.
Now, in the poem, what do they do?
They dupe all these oysters into following them
and then proceed to shuck
and devour the helpless creatures en masse.
I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says
that following these faiths based on mythological figures
ensures the destruction of one's inner-being.
Organized religion destroys who we are
by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions
out of fear of some intangible parent figure
who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago
and says, Do it. Do it and I'll fucking spank you!
Oh,Jesus!
The way you put it, I've never really thought about it like that before.
What have I been doing with my life?
-What am I? -Yeah, I know.
Listen, my advice to you
go get yourself a nice dress, fix yourself up.
Find some man, find some woman,
you can connect with, even for a moment
'cause that's really all life is, Sister
a series of moments.
Why don't you seize yours?
That a girl.
You know, here's what I don't get about you.
You know for a fact that there is a God.
You've been in His presence. He's spoken to you personally.
Yet I heard you claim to be atheist.
I like to fuck with the clergy, man.
I just love it. I love to keep those guys on their toes.
Here's what I don't get about you.
Why do you feel the need to come to this place all the time?
My friend, because this is humanity at its best.
Look at them.
All that anger, all that mistrust, all that unhappiness
forgotten for that one perfect moment when they get off the plane.
See those two?
What that guy doesn't know is that the girl cheated on him while she was away.
-She did? -Twice.
-Nice. -But it doesn't matter right now
'cause they're just both so relieved to be with one another.
I like that.
I wish they all could feel that way more often.
Is this why I had to come down here
and miss my fucking cartoons?
You call me, you tell me it's important.
What, to share in your half-assed obsession with Hallmark moments?
We're going home.
Somebody sent us this in the mail.
Take it and quit leering at me.
People will think I just broke up with you.
-You said we're going home, didn't you? -Read.
Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon On Catholicism Wow! Campaign.
And?
You have to keep reading.
The rededication of St. Michael's Church
is the kick off of a new campaign which seeks to bring
Catholicism into the mainstream.
With a papal sanction, the archway entrance
Of the century-old Jersey shore house of worship
will serve as a passageway of plenary indulgence
a little-known Catholic belief
offering all that passes through its arches
a morally clean slate.
For Sunday News Brief, I'm Grant Hicks.
All I got to do, I walk through the arch thing, and then I can go back home?
No. By walking through the archway,
all your sins are forgiven.
-Then all we have to do is die. -Die? I don't wanna die.
You rather hang around here?
No. We don't know if we can die.
But what if we can and then the arch thing doesn't work?
What then, Hell? Fuck that.
It's impossible. If we cut off our wings
and transubstantiate to complete human form, we become mortal.
If we die with clean souls, there's no way they can keep us out.
We won't be angels anymore, but at least we get to go home.
-Who sent the paper? -Who cares who sent the paper?
All that matters is that after all these years,
we found a loophole.
He can't keep us out anymore.
Once we're back in, it'll be forgive and forget.
But this thing, this is Church law.
It's not Divine Mandate.
Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.
One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter, the first pope
by the Son of God before He left was
Whatever you hold true on Earth
I'll hold true in Heaven.
It's dogmatic law. If the Church says it's so,
God must adhere.
This thing has a papal sanction.
Let it never be said your anal retentive attention to detail
never yielded positive results.
You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus.
Outstanding work!
There's just one thing I think we got to do before we leave.
This is gonna help us get back on His good side.
What?
Here. I've been dreaming about this for five years. Read that.
Mooby, the Golden Calf.
Creating an Empire Out of Simplicity.
I wanna hit them.
You really are just a simple creature.
We finally find a way back and you want to jeopardize that
Because you've got a soft spot for the good ol' days.
What better way to repent
than by resuming the position I once denied
thanks to you?
I don't think a killing spree is gonna make things better for us.
Killing spree? I'm talking about Divine Justice here.
I'm talking about reigning down fire and brimstone, punishing the wicked.
He's all about that. I know He'd want this done.
There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you quit.
Doesn't that mean anything to you?
And besides, what if you're wrong,
Like you always are?
If I'm wrong, which I'm not, it's not gonna matter.
We're gonna pass through your arch thing anyway.
We're gonna be forgiven. No harm, no foul.
Well, He does hate competition. I will say that.
And your Mooby certainly falls under that heading.
Where is this church we have to go to?
New Jersey. Rededication ceremony is in four days.
Last four days on Earth?
If l had a dick, I'd go get laid.
-We can do the next best thing. -What's that?
Let's kill people.
Oh, not you.
The greater Illinois Chapter of the Right to Life Foundation
will be holding its biannual softball game
against the Cook County
Pro-Choice League next Sunday at 2:00.
to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund.
For those of you who haven't been following the news
an unidentified homeless man
who was accosted and severely beaten at the New Jersey shore last Tuesday
Lies in critical,
but stable condition in one of that area's hospitals.
He lacks identification
and police have had no luck tracking down any possible family.
The archbishop of the Trenton diocese has disputed the state's decision
to remove the indigent man from life-support systems
asking that Catholics all over the country
join in this protest against euthanasia.
Well, now please rise for the recession of faith.
We believe in one God, the Father Almighty
Maker of Heaven and Earth.
We believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son, Our Lord,
Choose life!
You're gonna burn in Hell, you fucking baby killer!
Holy shit. It's the pope.
-Huh? -Where?
What are you talking about?
Jesus! You're a Catholic. Can't you talk to them?
They hate me more than you, no doubt.
At least you have an excuse.
You're Jewish. You don't know any better.
We already used that excuse when we killed Christ.
Where were you yesterday? We went to brunch.
I went to church.
That still kills me, you and church.
If only they knew your weekly tithing came from a Planned Parenthood check.
I don't know why I still go, Liz.
I can remember going to church when I was young and being moved.
Now I sit there every Sunday and I feel nothing.
I don't think I have any faith left.
Remember that seminary student I tried to set you up with?
The 20-year-old. The one I could have baby-sat for in high school.
The point is, he told me something.
He said that faith is like a glass of water.
When you're young, the glass is little, so it's easy to fill.
As you get older, the glass gets bigger.
The same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore.
But periodically the glass has to be refilled.
You're suggesting I need to get filled?
In more ways than one.
You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane.
You need a man, if only for 1 0 minutes.
It's been my experience that the average male is never a man
not even for ten minutes in his entire life span.
That sounds militant. Are you thinking of joining the other side?
Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
Then you need to go back to church
and ask God for a third option.
I think God is dead.
The sign of a true Catholic.
Good afternoon, Mrs. Reynolds.
I'm from the EPA.
We're checking on possible Freon leaks.
Tell me, do you have air conditioning?
Yes, we have central air.
In every room?
Except the bathroom. Why?
Well, you do know what that means, don't you?
Move!
No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater
than central air.
Pick that up.
This will be the base of operations from here on in.
Now, if l remember the protocol correctly
the powers
will attempt to contact the last scion.
I need you three
to shuffle her loose the mortal coil.
Go.
Behold the Metatron!
Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God!
Behold the Metatron!
Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God!
Behold the Metatron!
Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God!
Sweet Jesus! Do you have to use the whole can?
Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?
I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly. That's rich.
Stupid fucking,
Get the fuck out of here, now!
Or you'll do what exactly?
Hit me with that fish?
Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up.
Jesus wept!
Look at my suit.
Just take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me.
Give over! I couldn't rape you if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped.
See?
I'm as anatomically-impaired as a Ken doll.
Makeyourselfuseful and give me that towel.
You bottom-feeders and your arrogance.
You think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers.
What are you?
I'm pissed off is what I am.
Do you drench everyone
who comes in your room with flame-retardant chemicals?
No wonder you're single.
Stand back.
As I was saying
prior to your fire-fighting episode
I am the Metatron.
Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell?
You people.
If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?
I am a seraphim.
The highest choir of angels.
Metatron acts as the voice of God.
Any documented occasion when someyahoo claims that God has spoken to them
they're speaking to me.
Or they're talking to themselves.
Why doesn't God speak for Himself?
Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that
human beings have neither the aural, nor the psychological capacity
to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice.
Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode.
We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.
Well, how do I know you're an angel?
Aside from the fiery entrance and the expansive wingspan?
You want more proof?
Fine.
How about tequila?
Where the hell are we?
Only placeyou can go for good tequila.
Dos tequilas, porfavor, and an empty glass.
We're in Mexico?
Actually, we're in a franchised Mexican family eatery
down the street from your apartment, but
it's impressive nonetheless.
You don't mind I lost the wings, do you? I'm trying to keep our profile low.
What do you want with me?
I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
Noah was a drunk. Lookwhat he accomplished.
And no one's asking you to build an ark. All you gotta do is go to New Jersey
and visit a small church on a very important day.
New Jersey?
That doesn't sound like much ofa crusade.
Aside from the fine print, that's it.
What's the fine print?
Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence.
Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Stop a couple of angels from entering
and thus negating all existence.
I hate it when people need it spelled out for them.
You might want to clarify that.
Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered.
And His wrath was bore
by the Angel of Death, name of Loki.
When Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed
that was Loki.
When the waters wiped out everything
except Noah and his menagerie
that was Loki, and he was good at what he did.
But one day
he refused to bear God's wrath any longer.
-Why? -He listened to his friend
a Grigori by the name of Bartleby.
Grigori?
One of the choirs of angels. They're called Watchers.
Guess what they do.
So one day, Loki's wiping out all the firstborn of Egypt,
The Tenth Plague.
Tell a person thatyou're the Metatron and they stare atyou blankly.
Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie
and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar.
May I continue uninterrupted?
Once he's done with the firstborn
Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink.
And over many rounds
they get into this discussion about
whether or not murder in the name of God is okay.
And in the end
Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position
and take one which doesn't involve slaughter.
So
very inebriated
Loki tells God he quits
throws down his fiery sword
and gives Him the finger.
Which ruins it for the rest of us because from that day forward
God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol.
Hence all the spitting.
So, for their insolence
God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby
would ever be allowed back into Paradise.
-Were they sent to Hell? -Worse.
Wisconsin
for the entire span of human history.
And when the world ends, they'll have to sit outside the gates for all eternity.
And this has what to do with me?
Someone has clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma
that would allow them to reenter Heaven.
So what? They beat the system. Good for them.
It's not that simple.
If they get in, theywill have reversed God's decree.
Now listen closely because this bit's very important.
Existence in all its form and splendor
function solely on one principle,
God is infallible.
To prove Him wrong
would undo reality and everything that is.
Up would become down, black would become white.
Existence would become nothingness.
In essence
if they're allowed to enter that church
they'll unmake the world.
If this is so major, why are you talking to me?
-Why doesn't God do something about it? -He could.
But He'd rather seeyou take care of this one personally.
Why me?
Because of who you are.
And who am I?
The girl in the pj's!
Don't ask so many questions. Just serve your purpose.
I'm gonna have to pass.
I beg your pardon?
When some quiet little infection destroyed my uterus,
where was God?
When my husband decided
he couldn't be with a wife
who couldn't bear his children
where was God?
To Hell with Him.
Don't allow eons of history and life to get blinked out of being
just because you've got a grudge against your Creator.
So you lost the ability to make life.
You're being offered the chance to play mother to the world
by acting like one and protecting it,
saving it!
But I can't make you.
However, if you should decide to stop being selfish
and accept your responsibility
you won't be alone.
You'll have support.
What? More angels?
Prophets.
In a manner of speaking. Two of them.
The one who speaks
and he will, at great length, whether you want him to or not
will make mention of himself as a prophet.
The other one
well, he's the quiet type.
Look, I've gotta go.
Remember, we're working in a time frame here.
What's He like?
God?
Lonely
but funny.
He's got a great sense ofhumor.
Take sex, for example. There's nothing funnier
than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
Sex is a joke in Heaven?
The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too.
I'll seeya.
Snootch to the motherfucking nootch!
Go back to your paper routes, you Mighty Duck Fucks!
Snoogans. Did you see that shit, man?
I know they were just kids,
but we kicked their fucking pube-less asses!
I don't know what to say or think, except,
That you'll offer us sex as a reward?
That I'd like to know who they and you are.
I'm Jay, and this is my hetero life mate, Silent Bob.
I don't know who those kids were, but they would have kicked yours
and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented.
Thanks for being out here so late.
Wait a minute. Are you protestors?
You mean those dickheads with the signs and pictures of dead babies?
Shit no! Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice.
A woman's body is her own fucking business.
But what are you doing hanging around?
We're here to pick up chicks.
Excuse me?
We figure abortion clinics are a good place to meet loose women.
Why else would they be here
unless they like to fuck?
Right.
Well, I should be going. Thanks for the rescue.
-I think. -Wait a second.
We just saved your ass, and you're just gonna take off.
What the shit is that?
I had a weird night last night
and tonight's not shaping up to be better.
I think I should go home, take some Percocet and lay down.
Now how about that shit? Fuck this town, man!
I'm going back to Jersey and starting up the business again.
I can kick the shit out of kids in Red Bank and make myself prof it.
Prophets. Two of them.
-You know what I'm saying, Silent Bob? -You gotta be kidding me.
We call this piece The Fecalator.
One look at it and the target shits him or herself.
Try it on.
It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but not nearly as impressive.
It doesn't have that Wrath of the Almighty edge to it.
How am I supposed to strike fear into hearts of the wicked with this thing?
Look at this.
Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Lay the place to waste like.
Easy for you to say. You get off light in a razing.
You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah.
I had to do all the work.
What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
I rained down sulfur. There's a subtle difference.
Okay, I'm sure.
Fuck you.
Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire.
Raining down sulfur is like an endurance trial.
Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in
next to soccer.
I'll take this one.
So, what's up? You have a friend for Silent Bob,
or are you gonna do us both?
If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.
You're a man of principle.
Jersey's pretty far from McHenry.
May I ask what brought you here?
Some fuck named John Hughes.
Sixteen Candles John Hughes?
You know that guy too? That fucking guy.
He made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad.
There's tits in it, but no bush.
But Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kind of thing
because he's like in love with this John Hughes guy.
He goes out and rents every one ofhis movies.
Fucking Breakfast Club, where stupid kids actually show up for detention.
Fucking Weird Science, where this babe wants to undress and get down
but, oh, no, she don't, because it's a PG movie.
And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't watch with this tubby bitch anymore
because when the redhead hooks up with her dream guy
he starts sobbing like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit.
And there's nothing worse than watching a fucking fat man weep.
What exactly brought you to Illinois?
All these movies take place in this small town called Shermer, Illinois
where all the honeys are top-shelf but all the dudes are whiny pussies.
Except for Judd Nelson. He was fucking harsh.
But best of all
there was no one dealing, man.
Then it hits me. We could live like phat rats
if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois.
So we collected some money we were owed
and caught a bus.
But you know what the fuck we found out when we got there?
There is no Shermer, Illinois.
Movies are fucking bullshit.
-When are you going back to New Jersey? -This broad asks a lot of questions.
-Tomorrow. -Tomorrow.
Yeah. So you do anal?
Is it true that chicks fart if you blast them in the ass?
I didn't ask you out for sex.
I'll take head.
This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this.
I think I should go with you.
Like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend?
All right, but Silent Bob gets to live with us
and you pay the rent.
No. I wanna go with you to New Jersey.
Really?
You're going to lead me somewhere.
Me lead you?
Lady, look at me.
I don't even know where I am half the time.
If we're not gonna fuck,
then what the fuck did you ask us out for?
Someone told me I'd meet you
and you'd take me someplace I was supposed to go.
What the hell are you babbling about?
We saved your ass from some angry fucking dwarves
and now we're supposed to
Take you somewhere as if we know where it is?
Do you believe in God?
Holy fuck! All the fine, immoral bitches out in front place
and we gotta get the one Jesus freak?
-Let's get the fuck out of here. -Wait.
-I'll scream rape. -I can pay you.
Pay?
A hundred bucks for being my guide.
You were going to Jersey anyway. All I'm asking is to tag along.
I feel like Han Solo,
you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi
and we're in that fucked-up bar!
What about sex?
No sex.
Let's say we're caught in a situation where we have five minutes left to live.
A bomb or something's gonna go off.
Would you fuck us then?
In that highly unlikely situation?
Yeah, sure.
She's a slut.
All right.
But I get to drive.
What gear are you in?
Gear?
What do I know about shifting?
Like I ever drove before.
Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania
New Jersey.
Maybe you're wrong about this slaughter thing.
How can you be sure
what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change.
I remember eating meat on a Friday used to be a Hell-worthy trespass.
The major sins never change.
Besides, I can spot a commandment-breaker from a mile away.
Bet on it.
This from the guy who still owes me ten bucks over that bet
about which was gonna be the bigger movie
ET or Krush Groove.
Fuck you, man, 'cause time's gonna tell on that one.
Are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?
Insinuating, no.
Flat-out telling you.
Right there. There's one.
So? They're kissing.
Adultery.
-Adultery? -Adultery.
You are just a simple creature.
-Am I right? -I happen to know the truth.
I'm not gonna tell you. I want to see how boned up on the job you are.
-What's your proof? -He's wearing a wedding band.
And it never occurred to you that maybe she's his wife?
No married man kisses his wife like that.
Okay. It's a good thing you were never
the deciding member on a jury is all I'm saying.
No married man kisses his wife like that? Are you stoned?
Excuse me.
Are you married?
Why?
I'm just curious.
What do you think?
-What? -To her?
-What? -Are you married to her?
Not that it's any of your fucking business, but no.
Why?
Whose house
Run's house
I said, whose house
Run's house
Whose house Say what
Run's house Say what
Martin
She's fucking pissed, dude.
She's never gonna fuck us now.
Maybe you, but definitely not me.
Let me know how she is.
Nobody is fucking me! You got that?
I don't know what I was thinking in that diner.
But being that I've decided to go home, and not to New Jersey.
Sorry for the inconvenience and good-bye.
You're breaking up with us?
Who the hell do you think you are, lady?
You can't just go around breaking people's hearts like that!
I fell in love with you! We fell in love with you!
Guys like us just don't fall out of the fucking sky.
Beautiful, naked, big-titled women just don't fall out of the sky.
No heartbeat.
Think someone threw him out of a plane
with a message written on him
Iike in Con Air?
-Did you ever see that flick? -Oh, did that suck!
-Con Air? Con Shit. -Kill it!
-Sounds familiar. -Jesus, are you okay?
Yeah, it's Rufus. And yeah, I'm fine.
He's the fucking undead! Cut his head off!.
What I just did gave me a fucking migraine!
So if you don't pipe down,
I'm gonna yank your sac off like a paper towel.
Speaking of which, you're awfully nude.
-Rufus, is it? -Yes, Rufus it is.
It's usually Long Rufus,
but it's a little cold out here. You understand?
Big Papa, how about lending a brother your coat
till I find my own threads?
Dude, he fell out of thin air.
Dude, his piece is gonna be rubbing inside of your armor.
-Dude! -Thanks a lot, baby.
I'll do my best to tuck it back.
It's been a while since physics but I would think
the impact with which you hit the asphalt would have liquefied you.
Death is a worry of the living.
The dead, like myself, only worry about decay and necrophiliacs.
-Told you he was the undead. -Not the undead. The dead.
I died.
Christ told me the secret to the resurrection once.
We were at this wedding in Caanan.
I got drunk and forgot it.
Wait, wait, wait.
Christ?
You knew Christ?
Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 1 2 bucks.
Let me guess.
-You're another angel? -Oh, I aingt no angel.
I'm a man, just like you and him. Well, maybe not him.
At least I was a man.
Been dead nearly 2,000 years. Here, check this out.
No wonder he saw Jesus. Homey's rocking the ganj.
It's not a joint.
I can't read this.
It's Aramaic. It says, Rufus,
See you in two years. Jesus.
Freaked me out because He basically told me when my number was up.
Took all the flavor out of the remaining years. We gotta get moving.
Let's say we continue this discussion over a two-piece and a biscuit. Come on.
I'm starving. Back off, Kato.
Wait a second!
Between guys with wings, guys falling out of the sky
and guys trying like hell to fuck me
I think I've been a pretty good sport about all this so far.
But I'm not going anywhere
until I find out where the hell you came from.
Me? I came from Heaven.
Now let's start walking.
Walk? Fuck you!
Do you know how far we are from any whereas?
Hey, man, back in the old days with J.C.,
we used to walk everywhere.
Did you ever hear of a fat apostle?
What the hell's an apostle?
Let me get this straight.
She's already met the prophets
and the apostle's with them?
I think that our best course of action
is to ensure that our parcel is not found.
And being that I can't even trust you enough to kill a woman
well, I'm left with no choice
but to seek outside assistance in guarding said package.
I'm gonna have to summon the Golgothan.
I appreciate the loan, brother. You can have that back.
Man, I remember when all we used to have for breakfast was fish and goat's milk.
-What do you call this shit? -Egg Mooby Muffin.
Now, how 'bout you start explaining some things, like for starters
how did you know where to find us?
Do you know what the dead do with most of their time?
Watch the living. Especially in the shower.
I can't wait to die.
And why are you watching me?
Because you're the one who's gonna help me get some changes made
in that book you put so much stock in.
-Hustler? -The Bible!
What's your beef with the Bible?
For starters, I'm not in it.
Neither are any of us,
but you don't hear us bitching and moaning.
But I'm supposed to be in it. I was the 1 3th Apostle.
I've gone to church my whole life
and never heard of Rufus, the 1 3th Apostle.
But you heard of the other 1 2 Apostles.
They were all white boys, I might add.
But no mention of me, Rufus.
And why is that? 'Cause I'm a black man.
But you know what? That's just my pet peeve.
I'm mainly here to correct a major error you've been basing your faith on.
-What's that? -Jesus wasn't white. Jesus was black.
I don't buy it.
If that's true, why did He get written about
and you were left out?
Well, He is the Son of God.
Kind of hard to have a New Testament without him.
So you fudge a few facts, you put a spin on his ethnicity.
Leaving me out is okay 'cause you still got 1 2 white boys to choose from.
Are you gonna listen to this shit?
That's what people of Antioch said
right before they stoned my ass.
You were martyred?
That's one way of putting it.
Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to shit by big fucking rocks.
White folks only wanna hear the good shit,
Life eternal, a place in God's Heaven.
But as soon as you hear that you're getting this good shit
from a black Jesus, ya freak.
And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy.
A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your savior.
You gonna eat that hash brown?
So, you went to Heaven?
Damn right I went to Heaven! That's the least He could do.
In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem,
did I ever get laid?
Hell no. And I was in my prime.
I could have been knee-deep in shepherds' daughters
not to mention fine-ass Mary Magdalene.
She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me.
Maybe this is just me talking, but if I were in Heaven
I wouldn't care what the Bible said
as long as they got the message right.
The message is what counts.
But folks who build their faith
on that message should be colorblind.
And all my rabble-rousing
is not doing that much above.
So I'm gonna need some help down here.
That's why I'm gonna help you stop those angels from getting into that church
in exchange for you helping me with my campaign.
How do you know about that, the angels?
-Isn't much I don't know about you. -I find that hard to believe.
When you were five, you let a kid from next door piss on your hand.
You did that shit? You're nasty.
I never told anybody about that.
Neither did he.
Two years later, that kid died of leukemia.
His name was Brian Johnson.
Your exploits, no matter how inane
are well documented in Heaven.
Probably Hell too.
Where are you going?
Tell me something about me.
You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Fuck. Everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
-Dude, not all the time. -Sorry if I scared you.
Two-thirds of me wants to forget about this and go home.
Yesterday, I wasn't sure God even existed.
Now I'm up to my ass in Christian mythology.
Let me let you in on a little inside info.
God hates it when it's referred to as mythology.
Oh, well, then let's ask the prophets what we should call it instead.
Where did those two assholes go?
What are you doing?
Proving to this bastard I aingt gay.
-What? -Long story. Forget it.
We gotta get moving. How can we get to Jersey?
We'll take the train. I'll call for reservations.
I thought she looked familiar.
-Who? -Serendipity.
Morning, shoppers.
Good morning.
-Has anyone seen the overnights? -No, sir.
We creamed them.
Last night was a rerun, which says to me
Do I smell onions?
Excuse me.
May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom?
You may proceed, mon ami.
I'm gonna have to start by apologizing.
My friend has a bit of a penchant for the dramatic.
Oh, come on!
Relax. I'm doing it.
Mooby, the Golden Calf.
Created by Nancy Gold ruff, a former kindergarten teacher in 1 989.
Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1 991.
Broadcast nationally as the Mooby Fun-Time Hour.
Since its inception, has spawned two theatrical films
1 6 records, 8 prime-time specials
and a library of priced-to-own videocassettes.
Not to mention bicoastal theme parks
dubbed Mooby World.
Did I miss anything?
You forgot Mooby Magazine.
Damn it!
Is there a point to this?
You and your board are idolaters.
I can't believe you forgot the magazine.
That's you.
Do you know much about voodoo?
That's a fascinating practice.
No real doctrine of faith to speak of.
More an arrangement of superstitions
the most well-known of which
is the voodoo doll.
You see
a mockup of an individual is subjected
to various pokes and prods.
The desired result is that the individual will feel those effects.
Call security, now!
All lines are currently down.
-I'm gonna have to apologize, -Would you knock it off?
You're doing it again. Stop. What did we talk about?
You are responsible for raising an icon
which draws worship from the Lord.
You have broken the First Commandment.
More than that, I'm afraid not a one of you
passes for a decent human being.
Your continued existence is a mockery of morality.
Like you, Mr. Burton.
Last year, you cheated on your wife of 1 7 years 8 times.
You even had sex with her best friend
While you were supposed to be home watching the kids.
In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.
Mr. Newman.
You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party
and then paid a kid from the mail room
to have sex with her while she was passed out
just so you could break up with her guilt-free
when she sobbingly confessed in the morning.
She killed herself three months later.
Mr. Brace disowned his gay son.
Very compassionate.
Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home
and used the prof its from the sale of her home
to buy an Oriental rug for himself.
Heavens.
Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account
to have sex with an eleven-year-old boy.
Mr. Holtz man okayed the production of Mooby Dolls
because it was, survey says,
Iess costly.
You, on the other hand
are an innocent.
You lead a good life.
Good for you.
But you, Mr. Whitland
you have more skeletons in your closet
than this assembled party.
I cannot even mention them aloud.
You're his father, you sick fuck!
-Good. -Not bad, man.
That's great work. Very good.
alone at last.
With the exception of Miss Pryce here
there isn't a decent human being amongst you.
Not one.
Do you know what makes a human being decent?
Fear.
And there in lies the problem.
None of you has anything left to fear anymore.
You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power
hiding behind your false idol, far from judgment.
Lives shrouded in secrecy, even from one another.
But not from God.
Forgot my little voodoo doll.
Man, it really looks just like you, doesn't it?
Look, if I believed enough in this
I wonder,
Come on. I don't believe in voodoo.
Voodoo.
But I do believe in this.
Don't run! Don't run!
Fakes! Fakes! All of you, fakes!
But I do believe in this.
What does that mean?
And one to grow on.
Gum?
Go on. It's okay.
You've done nothing wrong.
These guys were fakes.
You're a pure soul.
But you didn't say God bless you when I sneezed.
Loki!
You're getting off light.
-Loki! -I know. I'm coming.
You're so lucky.
I forgot you were down here. How long now?
Three years this August.
Let me guess, the 1 4th Apostle,
left out of the Bible because she's a woman?
This girl's no woman.
Oh. Those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
What, these?
You should know better than anyone here that tits don't make a woman.
Hell, the tubby, coat-wearing motherfucker's got tits.
What traditionally defines a woman falls between two things,
her legs.
But as you can see
I lack definition.
Hey, they're getting a free show! Let me see that shit!
Oh, God, another angel like Metatron.
How do you, How does she know Metatron?
This is the last scion.
You're kidding.
Wow.
I'm confused.
Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel.
Nor is she, by any means, a human being like I was and you are.
-I used to be an abstract. -Now I'm really confused.
I'm a muse, stupid.
I can't take much more of this.
So you, what, inspire people?
What just went down with your friends over there,
It doesn't really take a muse to inspire horny retards to empty their wallets.
I used to specialize in entertainment.
For example, I'm responsible for 1 9
of the 20 top-grossing films of all time.
-Nineteen? -Yeah.
The one about the kid by himself in his house
burglars trying to come in and he fights them off,
I had nothing to do with that one.
Somebody sold their soul to Satan
to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.
What are you doing stripping?
Remember why I left?
Because you were tired of getting none of the credit for your ideas.
So I opted to quit being a muse and write for myself.
and got sent out into the world to make my fortune.
So what happened?
Writer's block.
Can you believe it?
Me, a muse, for God's sake.
I can inspire anyone I meet
and give out a zillion and nine ideas a second
but I can't keep any for myself.
Her quirky sense of humor.
-Whose? -God's.
You're saying God's a woman?
Was there ever a doubt in your mind?
He's always referred to as Him.
That's not how I wrote it.
But one of the drawbacks to being intangible
is that you have no say in the editorial process.
The people that held the pens added their own perspective
and all the penholders were men.
So She became a He. Doesn't stop with God either.
The whole book's gender-biased.
A woman's responsible for original sin.
A woman cuts Samson coif of power.
A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist.
Read that book again.
Women are painted as bigger antagonists
than the Egyptians and Romans combined.
It stinks.
Why is the last scion here?
Bartleby and Loki. They found a way back.
-Not the plenary indulgence loophole. -You know about that?
I always knew that thing was a bad idea.
Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.
You have issues with Catholicism, I take it?
I have issues with anyone who treats God like a burden instead of a blessing
Iike some Catholics.
You people don't celebrate your faith, you mourn it.
If we're wrong, what religion is right?
It's not about who's right or wrong.
No denomination's nailed it yet
because they're all too self-righteous to realize
that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith.
Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta wake up.
They made me and Silent Bob part of the gang.
Who fucking farted?
Not born. Shit into existence.
Sweet Christ, somebody wants you bad!
-What is that thing? -An excremental.
-The Golgothan. -A what?
A shit demon!
No man of woman born!
-Friend of yours? -Is this smelly fuck with us?
It came for Bethany!
Smoke that motherfucker like it aingt no thang!
I knew I's gonna whack somebody today!
Get your fucking hand back.
Represent!
Go! Go! Go!
Looks like we're in charge of the gang now.
Over the bar!
-Where did that thing come from? -Ever heard of Golgotha?
The hill where Christ was crucified.
It wasn't just Christ. The Romans crucified everyone there.
Christ excluded,
They were criminals, killers, brigands, thieves, rapists.
Whenever the crucified expired,
their bodies lost muscle control
spilling bowel and bladder in the process
the result of which is that walking pile of crap,
the Golgothan shit demon, Hell's chief assassin.
It's here for you, girlie.
-Bob, get down! -Matches! Matches!
-Hey, man. -How?
Knocks strong odors out.
-Way to go, biggie. -Why would you ever carry this?
What?
Whoever sent this might send more.
I suggest you take the princess and get as far away as possible.
I'll try to get something out of poopy boy here.
If he tells me something, I'll let you know.
Hello. We'd like two tickets to New Jersey, please.
Jersey's sold out, sir.
-What? -There's one at the same time tomorrow.
Don't underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Garden State.
Show up two hours in advance.
Nice.
Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating
what ought to be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.
Bus, schuss.
Why should we fall victim to gravity
when we can just as easily rise above?
-You mean fly? -We got wings, right?
Fuck, let's use them!
I wouldn't suggest that.
You see, kids
you wouldn't want to look like a couple of fairies, now, would you?
How'd you get out of Hell?
I told them I was coming up on a routine possession.
I don't have much time.
If they figure out my ruse, they'll come after me.
What's with bringing us in here?
You two are inches from getting caught.
Going around killing people, about to uncase your wings.
Don't you know what's going on?
Well, we're going home.
Really. Are you so clueless
as to think you can just waltz back into Heaven?
-Why not? -Everybody is looking for you.
Both sides. Above and below.
Orders are to terminate you on sight.
-Really? -Why?
Because you're pissing people off, that's why.
Word is that God's pissed off at your presumption
and I know Lucifer's pissed because you assholes might make him look bad
by succeeding where he's failed so many times.
-So they're just gonna kill us? -They're gonna try.
That's why you have to travel incognito.
Tone down your behavior. Stay off their respective radars.
Quit killing people. That's high profile.
Oh, lighten up.
I can't believe they wanna kill us.
Oh, believe it, boys.
They've even got the last scion looking for you.
-Really? -You're kidding.
This is huge.
Your reentry is a thorn in a lot of sides.
They'll stop at nothing to prevent it.
In the meantime, I suggest you find an alternate mode of transportation.
If anything else comes up, I'll contact you.
Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend.
I have to get back to the pit before they get suspicious.
And remember, incognito.
How you coping, kid?
It's weird.
Just when I think I have a handle on things
something wholly unbelievable presents itself.
Sometimes I wish I'd just stayed home.
You sound like the Man.
What's he like?
He likes to listen to people talk.
Christ loved to sit around the fire, listen to me and the other guys.
Whenever we were going on about unimportant shit
he always had a smile on his face.
His only real beef with mankind
is the shit that gets carried out in His name.
Wars, bigotry, televangelism.
The big one, though, is the factioning of all the religions.
He said mankind got it all wrong
By taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.
You're saying having beliefs is a bad thing?
I just think it's better to have ideas.
You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier.
People die for it. People kill for it.
The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now
because of the Catholic belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence shit.
Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not
are exploiting that belief
and if they're successful
you, me, all of this ends in a heartbeat.
All over a belief.
I haven't seen the moron twins in a while. How about you?
One time we were at the mall, we tied Tubby to the ceiling
and he went flying through the air, fucking crashed through the wall.
It was fucked up.
You two aren't getting into any trouble, are you?
We're just about to smoke a fatty with these two suave motherfuckers
who just got on at the last stop, Larry and Barry.
So, Jay tells us you're gonna sleep with him.
Hit this shit, man. It's good stuff.
Oh, fuck.
That's some bad shit, dude.
You hit that?
Yeah, you're bad, dude.
Bad shit.
Why are you heading to New Jersey?
It's just this thing I have to do.
We're going home.
Oh. Do you two live together?
Unfortunately, yes.
So, how long have you two been together?
A while.
He can be pretty flaky sometimes, but we have a lot in common.
How'd you meet?
We were stationed together.
See, that's beautiful.
Everybody's always up in arms about this out in the military issue.
Pardon?
You know, there's all the macho bullshit about it being this man's army.
You two meet there, hook up,
You think we're lovers? No, no. We're not gay.
Oh, God. I'm sorry.
-I just assumed. -Do I come off as gay?
No.
My ex-husband sort of screwed up my relationship awareness barometer.
-You're divorced. -That's a nice way of putting it.
I call it being dumped.
I was
dumped once.
Don't you just constantly question your value?
Like, why was I so easy to cast aside?
And you wonder if the other party is gonna come to their senses
and call you back.
They always tell you it'll hurt less with time.
When actually
it hurts more.
You know what we need?
What do we need?
We need drinks.
We need a lot of drinks.
Garcon.
You still go to church?
Every Sunday.
Does it do anything for you?
It gives me time to balance my checkbook every week.
That's what I'm saying. People don't go to church to feel spiritual anymore.
They go to church and feel bored
but they keep going every week just out of habit.
I am so buzzed.
When do you think you lost your faith?
I remember the exact moment.
I was on the phone with my mother
and she was trying to counsel me through this,
this thing.
And when nothing she was saying was making me feel any better
she said
Bethany
God has a plan.
I was, I was so angry with her.
I was like
What about my plans??
You know?
I had planned to have a family
with my husband.
Wasn't that plan good enough for God?
Apparently not.
How about you? How'd you lose your faith?
A long time ago.
One day God just stopped listening.
I kept talking, but I got the distinct impression He wasn't listening anymore.
How did you know She was listening in the first place?
Well, I guess I don't.
I hate thoughts like that.
But, you know, they come to you with age.
'Cause when you're a kid
you never question the whole faith thing.
God's in Heaven, and He's,
She's always got her eye on you.
I'd give anything to feel that way again.
Guess that's why I got talked into this pilgrimage.
Where is this pilgrimage to?
-You wouldn't believe me if I told you. -Try me.
All right, but I warned you.
Okay.
I'm going to this church in New Jersey.
Really.
Kerwood Mandel to car three.
See, I'm supposed to stop a couple of angels
from going into the church.
They're trying
Shit.
They're trying to get back into Heaven.
See, they got tossed out of Heaven
years ago, right?
And if they get back in
it proves God wrong
and since God is infallible
to prove Her wrong
would, you know, unmake existence.
May I have your attention, please.
The dining car will be closing in five minutes. Thank you.
I feel so stupid
just saying it.
The thing I don't get is
how am I supposed to stop an angel?
Two, even!
I guess I'm supposed to talk them out of it or something.
Maybe you're supposed to kill them.
Oh, yeah, right. Kill them.
I mean, even if that were the case, which it's not
how do you kill an angel, Barry?
I don't suppose it's much different from
killing a human.
Where is everybody? I wake up and,
-The apostle. -Holy shit!
Rufus, I want you to meet my new friend Barry.
Don't be such a show-off, Barry.
Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go.
-We can talk about this. -Bartleby?
After all this time,
it comes down to slaughter by a meat puppet?
Get your fucking hands off me, you dickless son of a bitch!
Save it. Five minutes ago you were aching to top me off.
Loki!
Holy shit. The apostle.
I didn't come in you, Pete, I swear.
What are you doing here?
This woman has to stop two angels from entering a church.
-Us? -No, two other fucking angels.
I'd say there's a pretty good chance.
Rufus, we're to be liquidated?
You haven't thought about the consequences of your reentry.
We're going home, no matter whose pride it may hurt.
-It's not a matter of pride! -Loki, kill the girl.
What are you, high? I can't kill her if she hasn't done anything.
Fine. I'll kill her myself.
I fall asleep and everyone takes off?
-These guys are fucking flat-leavers. -Shut his mouth.
Oh, shit!
Jay!
Biggie!
The door! The door!
Can't we talk about this?
Why don't I just get off at the next stop!
No ticket.
-The apostle is here. -I noticed.
Then you know who she was, don't you?
The scion, I imagine!
Maybe we should rethink this whole thing.
I mean, you heard the guy.
He said there are consequences.
And Azrael tells us we're marked? There's more to this than we thought of.
I was close.
You know? I was so close
to slitting that bitch's throat.
You know how I felt? Righteous.
Justified. Eager, even.
You all right? Your eyes are kinda
My eyes are open.
For the first time I get it.
When that little innocent girl let her mission slip,
I had an epiphany.
See, in the beginning it was just us and Him, angels and God.
Then He created humans.
Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship
and bowing and scraping and adoration.
He gave them more than He ever gave us. He gave them a choice.
They choose to acknowledge God or choose to ignore Him.
All this time we've been down here
I've felt the absence of the Divine Presence
and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you.
And why? Because of the way He made us.
Had we been given free will
we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do.
But no, we're servants.
Okay.
All I'm saying here is that one of us might need a little nap.
Wake up! These humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them.
They were given paradise, they threw it away.
They were given this planet, they destroyed it.
They were favored best among all His endeavors
and some of them don't even believe He exists!
And in spite of it all
He has shown them infinite fucking patience
at every turn.
What about us?
I asked you once
to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them.
What was the result?
Our expulsion from paradise.
Where was His infinite fucking patience then?
It's not right! It's not fair!
We've paid our debt!
Don't you think it's time?
Don't you think it's time we went home?
And to do that,
I think we may have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.
Wait. Wait, wait. Kill them?
You're talking about the last scion, for Christ's sake.
And what about Jay and Bob? Those guys were all right.
Don't. Don't, my friend.
Don't let your sympathies get the best of you.
They did me once.
Scion or not
she's just a human
and by passing through that arch our sins are forgiven.
No harm, no foul.
My God. I've heard a rant like this before.
What did you say?
You sound like the morning star.
You shut your fucking face!
You sound like Lucifer, man! You've fucking lost it!
You're not talking about going home, Bartleby.
You're talking about fucking war on God.
Well, fuck that.
I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the Throne.
I'm going back to Wisconsin.
We're going home, Loki
and no one, not you, not even the Almighty Himself
is gonna make that otherwise.
Shit.
Why couldn't we stay on the train?
You threw those guys off.
Very basic strategy.
If your enemies know where you are,
then don't be there.
Why are we enemies?
Well, I know I'd perceive the person sent to kill me as an enemy.
What does that mean? Since when am I supposed to kill anybody?
I'm tired of all this cryptic bullshit.
I'm physically and psychologically exhausted, Rufus
and I'm ready to kick back and welcome the end of existence
unless you come clean right now.
Why me?
Out of all the people on the goddamn planet, why was I tapped?
Imagine you're a 1 2-year-old boy.
You're told you're God's only son,
but more than that, you're God.
How long do you think it would take to come to grips with something that huge?
Maybe, say, 1 8 years?
In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from age 1 2 to 30.
1 2 to 30.
Now, that's some pretty bad storytelling.
Where are the volumes of text dealing with the missing 1 8 years?
I'll tell you where.
They were offered up as a sacrifice to the god of ecumenical politics.
You make it sound like there's some church conspiracy
to cover up the truth about Christ.
Oh, bullshit.
Any important material about Christ
would give people a better understanding of the nature of God.
Why would they leave any of it out?
Because it's tied in with His family.
-His mother and father. -His brothers and sisters.
Jesus didn't have brothers and sisters. Mary was a virgin.
Mary gave birth to Christ without having known a man's touch.
This is true.
But she did have a husband.
If he wasn't getting laid?
The nature of God and the Virgin Birth, those are leaps of faith.
But to believe a married couple never got down,
that's just plain gullibility.
Meaning?
The blood that flows through your veins
shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level
with the one you call Jesus.
Bethany, you are
the great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-grandniece of Jesus Christ.
So, that would make Bethany part black?
I can't do this anymore.
Where you gonna go? You know what I'm saying is right.
-It's bullshit. -Bethany.
It's bullshit!
Let her go, man.
Give her time.
Why?
What the fuck do You want from me?
I fucking hate You!
I hate You.
He can't hear you, you know.
That's why we needed you.
Why didn't you tell me?
Would you,
Could you have believed me?
It was something you had to come to gradually.
Only after everything you've seen
everything you've heard
could you possibly be able to accept the truth.
I don't want this.
It's too big.
That's what Jesus said.
I had to tell Him.
You can imagine how that hurt the Father
not to be able to tell the Son Himself
because one word from His lips
would destroy the boy's frail human form.
So I had to deliver the news to a scared child
who wanted nothing more than to play with other children.
I had to tell this little boy that He was God's only son
and it meant a life of persecution
and eventual crucifixion
at the hands of the very people He'd come to enlighten and redeem.
He begged me to take it all back.
As if I could.
He begged me to make it all not true.
I'll let you in on something, Bethany,
something I've never told anyone before.
If I had the power
I would have.
It's unfair.
It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility
and to ask you to do the same now.
I sympathize. I do.
I wish I could take it all back.
But I can't.
This
is who you are.
Everything I am has been a lie?
No, no, no.
Knowing what you now know
doesn't mean you're not who you were.
You are
Bethany Sloane.
No one can take that away from you, not even God.
All this means is a redefinition of that identity.
The incorporation of this new data into who you are.
Be who you've always been.
Just
be this as well
from time to time.
Guess this means no more cheating on my taxes.
To say the least.
Do you mind if we adjourn to somewhere
a tad more habitable
and a bit warmer?
Fuck, I think this shit just kicked in.
Weren't we just in the woods?
What are we doing here now?
Going out in style.
-The voice. -The apostle.
Now, who's this motherfucker?
The voice of God. Show some respect.
Oh, the voice of God. Where's the rest of Him?
Funny you should mention that. We're not sure.
-What? -Didn't it ever occur to you
that this Bartleby-Loki situation was well within the sphere of His control?
Yes, but then why was she tapped?
You know those constitutionals that He likes to take?
Constitutionals ?
I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point.
God's a skee ball fanatic.
The Lord has quite a fancy for the game. He's been playing it for years.
He assumes a human form once a month and indulges.
Doesn't tell anyone where He's playing.
He just goes away for a couple of hours.
And He always gives His free points away to neighborhood children.
Isn't that sweet?
But She hasn't come back from one of these day trips?
No, She hasn't
and we've been unable to locate Her.
He could've been killed. Human form does have that drawback.
No, there's a different sort of foul play afoot, children.
Whomever has set the renegade angels on their path
and is keeping them quite well hidden
is also responsible for the Lord's whereabouts.
Were He to be killed in human form
He'd have returned immediately to Heaven.
Someone knew enough
to keep Him biologically alive
but incapacitate Him in another fashion.
And as omnipotent as we are above
I have to admit that we're more or less lost without His presence.
We've looked everywhere for Him.
I tapped her because I thought we'd be able to smoke out whoever's behind this.
But whoever he is has been clever enough
to send some lackeys after you
as opposed to showing up themselves.
Could it be Lucifer?
Not Lucifer.
If he was, he'd have made his move by now to conquer Heaven.
And I know he's not responsible for Bartleby and Loki
because he's had just as much to lose
by their return as anybody else.
What do we do now?
I say we get drunk, 'cause I'm all out of ideas.
Why don't we just ask this guy to close the church?
I beg your pardon?
The guy in charge of the church thing.
Cardinal Glick?
Maybe we can ask him to shut down the church.
If it's closed that day,
those guys can't get blessed or whatever, right?
Good Lord.
The little stoner's got a point.
Maybe we could talk this guy Glick
into cancelling the rededication ceremony.
We?
Are you saying you're back in,
Ms. I-Don't-Think-I-Can-Do-This-Anymore?
I wouldn't want to let the family down, now would I?
Well
the prophets finally live up to their titles.
Mass attendance is at an all-time low in this country
but if we can let them know the Catholic Church has a little panache
we can win them back, even get some new ones.
Excuse me.
Fill them pews, people.
That's the key. Grab the little ones as well.
Hook them while they're young.
-Kinda like the tobacco industry. -Christ, if only we had their numbers.
We really appreciate you seeing us this late in the day,
Your Eminence.
My friends and I have been traveling all night
in hope of talking to you
about the St. Michael's rededication ceremony.
You looking to help out in some way?
We'd like you to cancel the ceremony.
I beg your pardon.
There's gonna be a world of trouble
if tomorrow's ceremony goes on as planned.
Are you pro-choice?
The trouble's not from us.
It's from these renegade angels that've been stuck on Earth since the plagues.
These guys, they think they're renegade angels.
See, Padre, it goes down like this.
These guys think that by passing through that archway, they can go to Heaven.
You want me to call off the ceremony for that.
Who sent you?
We were sent by Him who is called I Am!
Cute. Really cute.
Playtime with the cardinal is over.
-Worked for Moses. -Stay out of this.
It's not a joke.
I'm telling you, man, this ceremony's a big mistake.
The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
Please! What about the Church's silent consent of the slave trade?
And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust?
All right, mistakes were made.
But one can hardly hold the current incarnation of Holy Mother Church
responsible for the oversights of old.
I'm a very important man with important matters that demand my attention
so if you please,
-But tomorrow, -Tomorrow goes off without a hitch.
Do I make myself clear?
Neither you nor any other influence short of the hand of God Himself
is gonna keep this thing from going off without a hitch.
I can see the headlines now
if there were gonna be any.
Existence Erased.
Don't worry about it. We evened the score.
Hand it over, Silent Bob.
What up.
You stole the cardinal's driver?
That's what he gets for messing with our girlfriend.
Cross-dressing fuck.
That's sort of sweet. Thanks, guys.
What do we do now about Bartleby and Loki?
I guess we're gonna have to try and kill them.
-You said they couldn't be killed. -Correction.
They won't be killed.
And just to ensure that, we're all gonna sit tight
right here
until those two idiots pass through that arch.
There's only one idiot here, Azrael
and I'm looking right at him.
Muse!
Just in time to join us for a drink.
Hey. Where'd you come from?
-Where'd you come from? -Me?
Nothingness.
And that's where I'm returning to in approximately, oh, one hour.
All right, Plato, sounds like you've had enough already.
-Let's go. -Oh, darn it!
Come on, barkeep, just one drink.
One for the road, then I'm gone?
I was trying to find you
to tell you I figured out who was behind all this.
Is that who I think it is?
-None other than. -Who is he?
All right, one drink. Then you're gone.
Give me a
Holy Bartender.
Never heard of it.
He doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender.
Don't.
Anybody?
No?
Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender.
Get it?
Sweet Jesus, Azrael! Why?
Come on, Demon! Try that shit on somebody who's already dead!
Oh, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude
and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room.
The Christ bitch will join you.
Are you really that stupid?
You do know what's gonna happen if those two jerks enter that church.
I'm actually counting on it.
And if my calculations are correct
the pawns are moving into checkmate as we speak.
Holy Bartender. I get it. That's a great one!
I'd also like to acknowledge
this great state's governor, Elizabeth Dalton
for coming this morning.
She's a Protestant, but we're not gonna hold that against her.
Now, let me just tell you a little bit of history about this particular
hundred-years-young house of God.
God's house?
God doesn't live here anymore.
He's grown weary of your superficial faith.
He's turned a deaf ear to your lip-service prayers.
He has abandoned you, his favorites.
to the whim of judgment.
Hypocrites, charlatans
prepare to taste God's wrath.
-Maybe we should just leave. -You wanted your body count. You got it.
This lot is rife with sin. We'll judge them all.
Officer McGhee.
All right, mouthpiece.
Mr. McGhee, don't make me angry.
You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Is that so?
Ladies and gentlemen
you have been judged as guilty of violations against our Almighty God
and this very day
I assure you you will all pay for your trespasses
in blood.
-Wings. Now. -I'm feeling a little exposed here.
Do it!
-So he's a muse too? -Former muse.
He was kicked out.
Ever the fucking apple polisher.
Then what happened?
Yes, what?
Well, Lucifer just had to start his little war for the throne.
Heaven became divided into two factions,
the faithful and the renegades.
Oh, the Ethereal Plains were chaotic with battle.
Angel against angel.
And when it was all over, God cast the rebels into perdition.
But Azrael refused to fight.
He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.
What are you, some kind of fucking chicken?
No.
I was an artist
stupid!
I was inspiration!
A muse has no place in battle.
So after the fallen were banished to Hell
God turned on those that wouldn't fight
and Azrael was sent down with the demons
something he considers a great injustice.
Oh, come on.
Don't tell me you never questioned the judgment, Serendipity.
No. It never bothered me.
So you were an artist.
Big deal!
Elvis was an artist
but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war.
That's why he is the king
and you're a schmuck.
Nice.
So all this is about revenge.
You're gonna unmake existence because you have a grudge against God?
After the first million years? No.
Escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason.
So I studied the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself
which it finally did
in Catholicism.
Plenary indulgence.
But I couldn't exercise it.
Demons can't become human.
No, we can't transubstantiate.
But angels can.
Bartleby and Loki.
After that it was a simple matter of waiting for a church
to celebrate their centennial
and when that finally happened
I sent the pair an article laced with ideas.
An incantation I picked up in the pit
kept them cloaked and off Heaven's radars.
And aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan
no soul in Hell had a clue as to what was going on.
But the Almighty could still putsch the whole deal
so I dispatched Him in a fairly ingenious fashion.
Her. And how?
That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.
Oh, no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know
That you never reveal all the details of your plan
no matter how close you may think you are to winning.
The only X factor was
the involvement of the last scion here.
But fat lot of good that did, right?
I mean, here you all are.
Powerless to stop the inevitable.
Look, asshole, I don't know if anyone explained the rules to you
but if you succeed everything gets blinked out of existence, even you.
Human, have you ever been to Hell?
I think not.
I'd rather not exist than go back to that.
And if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.
Still thinking only about yourself
you fucking child!
Now, now, now.
Things are getting too intense in here.
Hey! What say we watch a little TV?
Yo, put on channel 9.
Davey and Goliath.
Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of current events.
I repeat, men with huge fucking wings
have laid waste to St. Michael's!
Bullets don't seem to affect them!
The remainder of the crowd have dropped to their knees
identifying this as the fabled apocalypse.
Now, I'm not a man of faith, but I'm inclined to agree.
Oh, God, please,
don 't come any closer! God, no!
You see that? And I told them to keep a low profile.
I 'd be pissed, but in a couple minutes it's not going to matter anyway.
Oh, now what was that all about?
What?
Oh, nothing.
I had something in my eye.
Now who's the fucking child?
What did you tell him,
to hit me with the golf club?
Are you serious? I'm a fucking demon.
You'd have him assault me with a putter?
You want to play? Then we'll play.
One side, Red.
Go ahead, then. Pick it up.
Call it a gift.
Come on.
That's it.
Take a shot.
Take your best fucking shot.
Seriously. I'm not kidding. Take it. Come on.
Come on, bright boy.
Bethany, bless the sink!
-What? -Just do it!
Bless the sink, damn it!
That's what you get, motherfucker.
But I'm a fucking demon.
What just happened?
He said it himself, I'm a fucking demon.
Hit a demon with an instrument of God, the pure side so it'll do some damage.
Silent Bob's an instrument of God?
No, but Glick's the kind of asshole
who'd bless his clubs for a better game.
-But the sink? -You've got the divine heritage.
Sanctifying is just one of the fringe benefits.
Remind me to try the water-to-wine thing at my next party.
How far away is this church?
Three towns over, about ten miles.
-Rufus, grab the gun. -Ten steps ahead of you.
Take the bartender's car. He won't need it.
The whole fucking world's against us, dude,
I swear to God.
Oh, my God.
And people wonder why I don't go to church anymore.
Are we too late?
To save these poor schmucks?
Yeah.
But we still exist.
Where are they?
They could already be in the church.
Which means if they come out, nobody touches them.
Are you shitting me?
The brother here is gonna shred them
with his angel-be-good special. Huh, homey?
If they pass through that arch, they come out clean.
And if they die, they go straight up.
And hello! We know what happens then, right?
-Why don't they just kill themselves? -It's a mortal sin.
Die with a mortal sin on your soul and you burn.
They don't want to go to hell.
Then what,
are we supposed to just wait for a solution to fall from the sky?
Friend of yours?
No, that was a cardinal.
You can't tell from his face, but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.
-It's one of them! Kill that motherfucker! -No!
Don't you listen?
-We can't touch him! -I wasn't. I was gonna shoot his ass.
He's been at it for a while now.
Please! Please!
We ran out of parishioners
so he just started picking up folk off the road and just dropping them.
This is just eons of repression getting purged.
If only they'd let us jerk off.
Whoops. Take a step back.
Let me go!
Why? What are you trying to prove?
-All these people! -Hey, this wasn't my idea!
Jesus Christ!
I just wanted to go home.
But him, you know
he just lost it.
He realized who you were and what you were gonna have to do.
He just snapped.
The funny thing is, this guy could never even stand to see me work.
He said he felt sorry for you people.
Now look at him.
This guy's fucking drunker than hell.
Which means he's human now.
His wings have been cut off.
Loki.
The muse?
Oh, no way!
I haven't seen you. You look terrific. Wow!
What's with the tits? Can I
Have you walked through the arch yet?
Tell me. Have you gone in and come out through the archway yet?
No!
He's back.
We were awaiting your arrival.
Bartleby, wait. Stop. Listen to me.
You can't go through with this. Azrael was just using you.
If you go back,
I've become aware of the repercussions. I know what I'm doing.
You sick, twisted fuck!
Bethany.
You, of all people, should understand what I'm trying to accomplish here.
You too know what it feels like to be cast aside.
But you've only dealt with the pain a few years.
I've dealt with it for a millennia.
While you never see your ex-husband or how blissful he is with his new wife
and he is,
seeing you people every day on this perfect world
He created for you
is a constant reminder
that though my kind came first
your kind was most revered.
And while you know forgiveness
we know only regret.
The lesson must be taught.
All are accountable
even God.
Soon a cadre of police will arrive
just in time to kill us as we exit the church.
Then this failed experiment called existence
will cease to be.
No. Hey. Hey!
I can't let you do that, Bartleby.
This has gone too far.
I might have to take you down.
It's okay.
I'll do it.
My compatriot.
Genocide takes a lot out of him.
He's weakened.
You're weak.
More importantly, he's also a human being
a condition which carries two liabilities,
a conscience
and
a short life span.
I'm sorry, old friend, but you lost the faith.
He's lost it. We're fucked.
-We're absolutely fucked! -I hear that shit.
I can't believe this.
We're on the brink of nonexistence, and God's still nowhere to be found.
-What kind of deity gets kidnapped? -Amen to that.
What the hell are you doing?
If the whole world's gonna end,
you said you'd fuck me.
-You're a pig. -Nobody's gonna beat that thing.
We can lay here all comatose
like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there
-or we can get making with the love. -What did you say?
Make with the love. It's a nice way of saying boning.
No, about John Doe Jersey.
That guy, the one they won't take off life support
John Doe Jersey.
This is where he's at, St. Michael's Hospital.
Where's the nearest boardwalk?
I aingt got time to win you a prize. We gotta get to the fucking.
-Where is it? -Asbury Park, about five miles away.
-Have you ever been there? -Once, with this chick.
We were about to fuck on the carousel and I got sick, started puking.
-Do they have skee ball there? -Yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
Whatever you do, stall Bartleby from going into that church.
Bob, come with me. Come on!
-How am I supposed to do that? -Think of something!
I already did, but it takes two of us!
I repeat, this is not a drill.
This is the apocalypse.
Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion.
Thank you.
Hey, Big Bird!
Ready for the counting game?
Count the shells, Suck-a-Duck.
No more bullets.
Now, what the fuck would you do that for?
Angels have to cut their wings off to become human.
You just did him a favor, stupid!
I hope you're the skee ball type.
Oh, Bartleby.
Was Wisconsin really that bad?
Bow down, stupid!
I'm sorry.
Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence
would do well to cover their ears right about now.
What the fuck?
Thank you.
It never ends!
Get off of me. I wanna see what's up.
What the fuck is this shit?
Who the fuck are you, lady?
Why the fuck did you hug my head?
Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?
What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why aingt this broad talking?
I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.
What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fucking nuts?
What the fuck happened to that guy's head?
Where was she?
Imprisoned in a body.
Bethany figured it all out. She's a clever girl, that one.
Hang on a minute.
You missed a bit.
Well, then, you ready to go back, apostle?
You ready to make some of those changes I been talking about?
We'll see.
Muse?
Seeing as how you just had to get involved
you're welcome to return with us as well.
First I gotta say good-bye to Bethany. Where is she?
Oh, no.
Metatron, is she
Afraid so.
One of the drawbacks to being a martyr is that you have to die.
But no matter.
All is being taken care of.
How so?
How did I,
She can rebuild you.
She has the technology.
She can make you better, stronger, faster.
That's
A very relieved deity.
You did well, little girl. I knew you'd come around.
Your kind always does.
You might want to take good care of yourself.
We're gonna need you down the road.
I know. I'm the last scion.
Well, you're half right.
You were the last scion.
But now
this
is the last scion.
I'm pregnant?
Can't put anything past you.
Take care of that parcel for us.
She has a world of work ahead of her.
Thank you for
I don't know
everything.
God, there's a million things I wish I could askyou
most of it questioning your great plan,
and that'd be arrogant of me, I know.
But there is one I need to ask.
I'm sure you get it all the time,
but how many chances like this will I get?
Why are we here?
Didn't I tell you she was funny?
I really enjoyed meeting you.
It was an honor.
You did so well.
I told you She was a woman.
She's not really a woman.
She's not really anything.
She's something, all right.
Crisis of faith over?
I think I'm now burdened with an overabundance.
When it rains, it pours.
Are you saying you believe?
No.
But I have a good idea.
Yes!
The Man was right about you.
Now I'm gonna go home and tell Him so.
And if you clean upyour language
I just might put in a good word for you too.
Thanks.
Rufus.
Yo, we should go to Quick Stop.
Youse guys wanna hear something sick?
I got half a stalk when she kissed me.
I couldn't help it. The bitch was hot.
You can't talk to me that way anymore. I'm gonna be somebody's mother.
You're pregnant?
You know, when you're pregnant
you can have sex until the third trimester.
I'll keep that in mind.
So, that would make Bethany part black?